My dear sweet lovely angelic beautiful sassy roommate has ABANDONED me for the past two weeks, and tomorrow she finally comes home. I am elated—obviously—and have been plotting to do a major CLEANING OF THE APARTMENT to celebrate her triumphant return.
But it’s probably not going to happen.
Because step 1 was to take all the towels and the rug and my bedding (we will want to cuddle in front of the AC for goodness sake!) to the laundry this morning.
And I did not do this.
Why? Well I’ll tell you why. I had my alarms go off at their appropriate 7:24, 7:26, 7:28, and 7:30 times, but my body (likely still angry with me for all the Yuengling and deli sandwiches I forced it to consume this weekend) refused to take the alarms seriously and resumed dreaming about online dates that turn into real dates that turn into an actual relationship with someone that looks like Ryan Gosling and is a feminist IRL. And because today was that rare day of the week where I wash my hairs, there was simply NO TIME for the laundry drop off.
I’m not off to a great start. And because I’ve been living with myself for nearly twenty fiv—sorry, I just vomited—25 years, I know that when I get home tonight something like the Sopranos or my new phone (that is 100% free of screen cracks, praise Jesus!) or the book I’m reading or browsing new gif emojis will consume my evening, and there will be NO TIME for the cleaning of the apartment.
No, I’ll find some way to sabotage my days of plotting and instead scramble to wipe the couscous crumbs and wine dribbles from the counter minutes before she arrives tomorrow.
This is a purely hypothetical post. I’m just saying there may exist in NYC some poor girl who desperately needs to do laundry but doesn’t have any dollas. This would be my advice to her.
So let’s set this hypothetical scene, shall we?
It’s the end of the month. Rent is due. Utilities are due. Netflix bill is due. Gym membership is due. And your most recent Whole Foods visit has eaten through the last scrap of your paycheck. You tried to sell some magical free cupcakes that you got only a week earlier, but no one wanted them because they were “spoiled” or something. You are po fa sho.
Let’s also say that you should have done laundry last week, but there was freaking hurricane (!), and the laundromat was closed all weekend. Now it’s Monday and your closet is a pathetic mosaic of your wardrobe “leftovers.”
What’s a gal to do?
Be strategic with your undies. We all know certain outfits require certain underthings. And when your panty supply is dangerously low, you must conserve. If you’re down to the bright green polka dot ones and only have a white sundress to wear that day—sweetie, you’re screwed.
Opt for dresses if you can. Matching is tricky when your closet is bare. You cannot be trusted.
Compensate with makeup and hair. Since you outfit will likely resemble your first attempts to dress yourself circa Kindergarten, use your makeup and hair as a distraction. Wake up a few minutes early to put on a proper face and take a flat iron to your hair. It can’t hurt.
When these tips no longer succeed in making you look like a functioning member of society, it’s time to do laundry already. Make a cardboard sign explaining your situation and work the sidewalk for a few hours. You’re bound to get enough change for one load. Maybe smudge some dirt on your face or borrow a small child for a little bit to seem more sympathetic. Or if you’re musically talented, join a subway mariachi band and watch the quarters roll in.