If you ever care to see me on the verge of a temper tantrum, catch me immediately after one of the following:
A shower that inexplicably turned icy cold half-way through and I still had 3/4 of my legs to shave and conditioner all up in my hurr
Being trapped in a really hot, sweaty, crowded space for any period of time (i.e. subways in July, Six Flags)
Today I found myself in the latter situation, and boy was I cross.
I know that a bunch of people all over the world made a bunch of “resolutions” to try not to be so fat in 2k12 (myself included), but I didn’t think that each and every one of them would decide to fulfill this resolution in my gym!
Honestly, I think over half of the Manhattan population was there today—all panting, sweating, and dreaming of less-fat versions of themselves in disgustingly close proximity. And while the elliptical area was definitely hot and gross, it was in the locker room where I really lost it.
There were so many sweaty, naked women throwing shoes and bras everywhere, I practically had to cut someone to get to my locker. And by the time I got my stuff I was so hot and fittified, I knocked down about three of them trying to get the hell out of there.
Then I was so busy pouting and stewing on the subway ride home, that I was completely oblivious to the fact that my eyeliner had made its way down to my chin and most of my hair was in a hot, matted mess on the side of my face.
Hopefully, the rest of the January gymers will forget that they don’t want to be fat in 2k12 and leave me to me to sweat in peace.
Or maybe I’ll find something more fun to do than work out, like watch Mob Wives.
Also, fun fact: when you Google “sweaty” or “sweat” there are an alarming number of images of Christina Aguilera.
However, no Get Skinny! plan would be complete without some exercise. So I found a gym near my apartment, lugged my workout gear to work (which had been neglected for, oh, I don’t know… 6 months?), and after work, I begrudgingly exercised for an hour and a half.
I have never worked out in a New York City gym before, so this was a big learning experience. Here are a few things I discovered today:
1. You must already be skinny to exercise in public. Everyone in this gym was tan, toned, and glistening. There must be secret gyms for people who need to get skinny before they can work out in public. Where are these secret gyms???
2. You must have cute workout clothes. I was not dressed to impress, and boy did I regret it. I looked homeless and lost in my faded black sweats and baggy college t-shirt next to all these exercise goddesses in their workout underwear. I will be shopping soon.
3. The gym is a meat market. The sexual tension in this facility was palpable. I mean, duh! It’s filled with half-naked gorgeous people who are getting all riled up on treadmills and weight machines. If anyone has any tips on gym flirting, please let me know. I doubt I was succeeding. I mean how could I—I didn’t visit a secret gym beforehand and don’t own workout underwear. Ugh.
Now I know the rules of NYC gym-ing. But honestly they should do PSAs on this stuff. That way unathletic girls from Georgia won’t stumble into these situations looking a hot mess.