I am a pretty good person as far as people go. But I do a few bad things, and one of those things is just disappearing when I decide I don’t like someone.
So last Monday I went on a date, and he seemed relatively promising. Especially since the guy that preceded him was a high school dropout who never went to college (obviously) and a former drug dealer from a family of heroin addicts. I wish I was clever enough to make this stuff up. Anyway, this guy from Monday also never attended college, which apparently is trending in Brooklyn right now. And I quickly learned that he’d spent the past two years stealing from his employer, American Apparel. Oh and he had a nose ring.
But ya know, sometimes a lady is desperate, so when he texted me the next day to grab dinner on Thursday I said yes. We made plans, and somewhere along the way he revealed the biggest blow of them all—“I’m a vegetarian.” I just couldn’t. So when Thursday rolled around, I just kind of a little bit ignored his text messaged and flaked out on dinner.
On Saturday I realized just how small Bushwick is. Super pumped for my first ride on the Bushwick Beach Bus, I barged into Pearls to claim the tickets. And who do I see bellied up to the bar but my American Apparel-stealing vegetarian who I’d bailed on days earlier. I forced my roommate to hide me behind our parasol for the entire bus ride and spent my time at the Rockaways frantically looking over my shoulder, afraid he’d throw a slushie in my face for being such a passive aggressive brat.
Thankfully I survived the trip without any confrontation. But I learned a valuable lesson: don’t Tinder in your own borough.
Anonymous: What's your best advice on dealing with the ex factor? No one ever seems to really be done with their ex these days. How do you handle it?
Everyone has done the messy break up at least once in their dating history. Most of us do it just about every time. Anyone who tells you different is a dirty rotten liar.
The messy break up is the thing of where you say “something something, I am ending things,” but then 48-72 hours later you have a glass of wine and decide, well that was fun but now I want to make things messy. You send the let’s-grab-drinks text, or pull the classic I-just-happen-to-be-at-your-favorite-bar-at-2-AM move. You say, “I just want to talk!’ but this is a lie and EVERYONE knows it. What you really want is to fight, scrump, or some ridiculous combo of the two. It is not a good time. It is gross.
And this can go on FOREVER. One time I made a break up so messy that it took a year before it was really, really over. It was not a good time. It was so, so gross.
So to answer your question, I don’t always handle these things well. I’ve found the best way to minimize break up mess is to find someone new. And fast. Hop on Tinder. Make an OKCupid profile (if you must). Or just try to meet people the old fashioned way by getting really drunk and making out with a guy who is says things like “I make t-shirts” and probably doesn’t own a bed frame.
A thorough tech clean up can also do wonders. It’s amazing how easy it is to “run into” exes after stalking them on Instagram. RESIST THE URGE.
Alert your friends to cease and desist all liking and commenting.
And if y’all met on Tinder and you stupidly decide to re-download the app, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD block him. And DO NOT read through your first messages to each other OR take screen shots of them.
*These are more extreme measures, proceed with caution. Also it may end up taking more than a minute. WARNING: If you want to stalk him in the future (which is a terrible idea) these will make it more difficult. Not impossible, but difficult.
wallofstarss: This isn't really a question, more of a statement. I'm a southern girl dreaming of moving to NYC at some point in my life, if I can ever afford it. You're inspiring :)
You’ll never be able to afford it—no one can! This place is ridiculous! Just come on up here already and be poor and fantastic like everyone else. As long as you can HUSTLE and can withstand the psychological trauma that comes with being surrounded by completely disgusting and talented and beautiful and terrible people 100% of the time, then you will thrive.
Also we have fried chicken up here, so that helps.
Congratulations—you’ve found another human being who wants to spend all his time and money and sex with you! Now don’t screw it up.
Don’t become crazy girl until there is a reason to become crazy girl. Look, if there’s anyone who has little to no faith in the male population, it’s me. But that doesn’t mean you need to proactively seek out their flaws and lies. Believe me, boys do an excellent job all on their own messing up a good thing. So until you witness him grabbing another girl’s bottom right in front of you, put a lid on your crazy.
Eat so much good food. The number one perk of having a boo is having a partner in eating. Brunch all the time. Cook all the time. Shower each other with treats. Get really, really fat and happy together. At least in the beginning. Then you can start bonding over exercise, or break up, or something.
Do stuff. The number two perk of having a boo is having an activity partner. I can’t tell you how easy it is to just wallow on a couch with your roommate all weekend marathoning Breaking Amish when you’re single, so use your boo as an excuse to get the fuck up. Not only will you feel super cultured from all the museums and shows you go to, but you’ll also have something more interesting to talk about at brunch than obscure reality shows on TLC. Oh also bonding. Yeah, bonding is important.
Be sweet. The best way to get sweetness is to give it. But then it’s like something something don’t give things expecting something in return, selflessness, blah blah. If you figure out how that works LET ME KNOW.
Scrump it out. Well, scrumping and then maybe talking through your problems like grownup human beings. It’s the best way to solve a fight, especially if the fight is about a certain lack of scrump and “growing apart” or whatever people call it.
Things to be honest about: Money, the deal with your ex, commitment issues, dessert preference, employment status.
Things to not be honest about: Poop, your number, that annoying thing his friend said, jealousy, toot suppression.
I have some very strict (but okay sometimes I always break them) rules for dating when you don’t have a serious boo-thing. It’s a cruel, cruel world out there, and a lady has to maintain her sanity.
No gifts. The most awkward thing is when you met a boy on the Tinders and two weeks later you’ve been on three dates, but WAIT it’s his birthday! Like what the fuck are you supposed to do with that? Send cupcakes to his office? NO. Buy him a tie? NO. Don’t give him anything except a suuuuper casual “happy birthday” text with the appropriate number of emojis. Too-soon gifts suck because the boy is either secretly (or not secretly) weirded out, or not adequately appreciative of the gesture. Let him give you all the gifts he wants, but you save that mess for a boyfriend.
A toothbrush means nothing. Just because a boy buys a toothbrush for you at his apartment or leaves one at yours does not mean y’all are going to be spending your Saturdays at Ikea any time soon. It means he likes a clean mouth to kiss. And let’s be honest, morning time loving is always better without morning breath. So if he falls of the face of the earth, save your “BUT HE BOUGHT ME A TOOTHBRUSH” monologue for someone else.
Most things mean nothing. Like meeting parents/family, becoming friends with his friends, GIRLS marathons, Instagram likes, brunch, article sharing, dieting together, and vacations. Men can fake entire relationships, remember?
Tell him what you like. A boy needs to know what kind of food you like to eat, what music you hate, and which activities you’re down for. Otherwise you’ll end up committing to a bike-n-brunch (which is just as miserable as it sounds). Same goes for the bedroom. If it’s casual and infrequent, it’d better be what you want.
Do not like him more than he likes you. In fact, don’t even like him as much as he likes you. I can’t tell you exactly how to do this, since I’m 100% sure I’ve never been successful, but for the love of god save yourselves! Maybe be a little mean? Don’t answer texts right away? Date at least 3 boys at once? I DON’T KNOW. Just don’t like him more, okay!
It’s totally fine to want to stay single forever. If you want to spend all you time and money browsing Apartment Therapy home tours and making your apartment totally rad, then GET IT GIRL. There are probably only like five men in the whole world who are worthy to step into your apartment anyway, and one of them is President Obama and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t come to Bushwick. So yeah, nest away and let a boy love on you every month or so, no strings attached.